The Kashmir Monitor
By Faizaan Bashir –
Every time I thought of writing about how porn has wreaked havoc on every aspect of my life, myriad of voices would come from my mind, screaming what the “civilised” people would think of me, which then put a strong pause on my writing. This time I made my mind strong enough to defy all those voices. To go about revealing the trap of porn I was totally mired in.
It all started when I was 12 years old. I was playing with my cousin’s phone, and suddenly some naked images and videos of men and women struck my eye. I was shocked, then, to see something beyond the stretch of my imagination. I couldn’t comprehend what on earth were they doing with each other. However, as months went by, I was totally immersed in it. Those images and videos would pop into my mind million times a day, and I would ask my cousin for his mobile to track down the naked beings. Gradually, it started to take a turn for the worse: I purchased my own cell phone, and not a single day would glide by without me watching porn for hours on end. On the days, when I didn’t get a chance to watch it, it felt like something was lacking in my life. Porn was keen on dominating me, and I let it dominate my every cell. I got lost in its fake worlds to the point of no return.
As a result, I proved to be the worst record of all the bad boys in school. Every time I tried to study, I ended up grabbing my phone and watching the stuff. My results had my whole family bury their heads in shame. Every time. Everywhere. It was porn at the back of my mind. And that’s what affected me terribly. Trapped in its ways of giving me pleasures, I never recognised that it was swallowing me whole. Morphing my body into a skeleton. My mind into a dead box.
When you have made a fake world your home, the real one is sure to scare the hell out of you. That’s what happened with me. Whenever I would go out of my house, I would run across people of my age so good in health, so quick in talking, in thinking, in reacting. I would nearly die in self-loathing.
“What has become of me!” I would often ask myself tears rolling down my cheeks. I couldn’t even stand properly in front of them, and have been even picked on due to my weak physical structure my endless porn watching and jerking off to it rendered me. And when I couldn’t stick up for myself, I resorted to watching porn, as it gave me a sense of worthiness by increasing the dopamine levels in my brain.
My life had become so nasty a vicious circle: from failing to coming to terms with the real world to turning back to the fake one. Porn acted as a coping mechanism for me. And this is how porn seizes our minds!
When my psychological health conditions worsened, I went to see the psychiatrist to get my brain checked. Many counselling sessions and medicines I were given/prescribed. At the end of the day, nothing worked for me. I hung on the stories of those who had left watching porn. Made zillions of promises to myself that I won’t do it again. Tried prayers, begging God for death. But I miserably failed to get myself snap out of this worst-case scenario.
Honestly speaking, a decade has passed by now, and I still find myself wandering in the fake worlds of porn. Such dominating it is in nature. I really have no suggestions to offer for the people as to the cessation of watching porn. However, on the fact, every human being is unique in their own way. Find the ways to keep the waves of porn from washing over you. What it has brought about in my life scares me to death!
(Author has completed his undergraduate studies in Arts. Feedback at [email protected])
