International Day for Elimination of Violence against Women: How domestic abuse, social stigma are taking toll on divorcees in Kashmir

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Srinagar: Seven months after Shazia’s (name-changed) divorce, her nieces’ wedding took place. Initially, she refused to go as she was not mentally ready to socialize in a large gathering after a traumatic event. However, she thought her presence at the wedding would make her niece happy and eventually showed up for the occasion. 

“At the wedding, I heard two women from the neighborhood talking to each other about my appearance … “look, she is wearing a nice dress and jewelry; it doesn’t seem she is affected by divorce. If I had been in her place, I would have preferred to stay at home,” Shazia narrated.

There are many challenges faced by divorced women in Kashmiri society. Negative perceptions towards divorced persons, particularly women, have not changed and they are more likely to be held accountable for the separation. Divorced women are perceived as unsuccessful, difficult to live with, and sometimes ridiculed.

In many cases, divorce usually leads to the departure of one parent and often leaves responsibility for parenting with the mother. Women who are not working have to depend either on their parents for support, and if their parents are either dead or lacking financial resources, some divorced women become dependent on others.

For instance, in Asma’s (name-changed) case, the young female had to take up a job after getting divorced. “I am working as a cook in a local private school. I started a job after my divorce. I did so, not for myself, but for the sake of my child’s upbringing. My ex-husband never pays alimony or maintenance for his child as was decided earlier. Although my parents helped me, that was not enough for me to take care of my child’s needs,” she said.

A 2020 study titled, “Lived experiences of divorced women in Kashmir: a phenomenological study,” was published in the Journal of Gender Studies.

It was aimed at gaining an understanding of the lived experiences of divorced women in Kashmir. 

The results revealed that “domestic violence together with the infidelity of husbands” were cited as the most common reasons for divorce, followed by “childlessness and incompatibility”.

“Concerning the challenges the women faced, it was revealed that divorce breeds many social, economic, psychological, and cultural constraints that forced the divorced women to experience unhappiness. The social relations of divorced women were found to be restricted in many ways, and the negative perspective of members of wider society towards divorced women influenced how they lived their lives,” the study said. 

According to the study, while in some areas, women received assistance, or became autonomous, most had experienced significant difficulties.

“The majority of the divorced women experienced depression and had also been blamed for the divorce by others. Many experienced difficulties in raising their children, since this created tensions between financial and emotional needs. Mental and physical health deteriorated for many women,” it said.

Lawyer at High Court, Jammu and Kashmir, Mir Umar said that the divorce rate is increasing day by day as courts are flooded with matrimonial disputes.

“One main reason among others for divorce in today’s times is lack of patience in couples. A tussle of egos is also the root cause of separation. Tolerance level is low from both sides and resultantly incompatibility gives birth. When a couple has a high level of understanding then greed for money and gold etc would never affect their relationship,” he said.

Mir added that the interference of families in the affairs of couples also creates barriers between them. “Sometimes we even see couples have no rivalry in between but their families do have.”

He pointed out the legal rights of women post-divorce. “Divorce does not take place in the eyes of law merely by a pronouncement by husband irrespective of the personal law. A man has to prove before the civil court that divorce which he pronounced is legal and valid. Secondly, a divorced wife is entitled to maintenance from her husband for a lifetime unless she remarries,” Mir said.

He added the woman is also entitled to annuities from her husband and compensation as well. “She is also entitled to Mehar and gifts even after divorce,” Mir said.

A senior clinical psychologist at IMHANS, Kashmir said divorce is not just about ending a relationship, it’s also often accompanied by difficult legal battles, financial uncertainties, changes in social dynamics, and challenges of custody and co-parenting.

“It’s also about the loss of an imagined future. One of the most significant events that can change the trajectory of our lives, it’s only natural to experience sadness, anxiety, stress, anger, disbelief, fear, and so much more,” the psychologist said.

He stressed that the one coping way for divorced women is to understand that divorce is not an indicator of their value as human being. “We often remind our clients to remember that an unhappy marriage can be more detrimental to our well-being than being separated. While a divorce may be the end of a relationship, it can also be the start of many new things.”

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