Irshad Mushtaq
A child is not a file, not a weapon, not a bargaining tool and not a shield for adult ego. A child is a trust. A child is the future of the family, society and Kashmir. When parents forget this truth, the highest cost is not paid by the father or mother. The highest cost is paid by the child.
In many homes, one parent may spend years carrying the child’s schooling, fees, emotional care, transport, homework, teacher communication, medical care and daily routine. Then, suddenly, when conflict begins, the other parent may appear before society and try to show responsibility without having carried that responsibility for years. Sometimes the child is used to control the other parent. Sometimes school, custody, fees, section change, transport, documents or public image become tools in adult conflict.
This is not parenting. This is manipulation. And the victim is the child.
The Real Cost of a Child Is Not Only School Fees
Many people think the cost of raising a child means school fees, uniform, books and transport. But the real cost is much bigger.
A child needs time, attention, emotional safety, discipline, values, sleep routine, health care, teacher follow-up, confidence, correction, encouragement and protection from adult conflict. A child needs stable parents, not parents who use him to prove power.
If one parent has contributed for years, financially or emotionally, that contribution should not be erased in one day. If the other parent suddenly wants to show responsibility, that responsibility should be real, consistent and child-focused, not only for public image, school record or family pressure.
A child cannot be groomed by drama. A child is groomed by consistency.
Responsibility Cannot Be Claimed Only When Society Is Watching
True responsibility is not what a parent says in front of people. True responsibility is what a parent does daily when nobody is watching.
Who attended the parent-teacher meetings? Who paid the fees? Who bought the books? Who handled the complaints? Who took the child to the doctor? Who sat with the child when he was emotionally disturbed? Who spoke to the school? Who protected the child’s routine?
These questions matter because parenting is not a speech. Parenting is action.
If a parent avoids responsibility for years and then suddenly uses legal words, social pressure or school systems to show control, society must understand the difference between genuine care and image management.
Children Should Not Be Used Through System Loopholes
Sometimes adults use system loopholes to control the other parent. They may use school communication, transport decisions, assessment reports, consent issues, custody language or social reputation to create pressure. They may present a one-sided story and try to make themselves look responsible while hiding years of non-involvement.
This is dangerous. Institutions must be careful. Schools, families and society should not allow any parent to use the child as a shield.
Any decision about a child should be based on the child’s welfare, education, emotional safety and continuity. It should not be based on ego, revenge, pressure, false image or manipulation.
The Child’s Education Must Not Become a Battlefield
Education is the child’s basic need. No parental conflict should stop a child from school. No disagreement between adults should disturb attendance, exams, transport, section, routine or mental peace.
If parents have disputes, they should handle them separately. The child’s school life must continue. A child who misses school due to adult conflict loses confidence, rhythm and emotional connection. Slowly, the child may begin to feel that he is the reason for the problem.
That feeling is dangerous. Children should never feel guilty for adult failures.
Kashmir Must Understand the Impact on Grooming
Today’s child is tomorrow’s citizen, professional, parent, employer, worker, teacher, leader and taxpayer. If we groom children in fear, manipulation and conflict, what kind of society will we build tomorrow?
A child who sees lies may learn lies. A child who sees ego may learn ego. A child who sees one parent humiliating the other may lose respect for family. A child who sees education being used as a tool of pressure may lose interest in school.
But a child who sees fairness learns fairness. A child who sees respect learns respect. A child who sees both parents putting education first learns discipline. A child who sees problems solved peacefully learns maturity.
Today’s grooming is tomorrow’s output.
Official Data Shows Why Family Stability Matters
Family disputes are not only private issues. They reach schools, courts and society. The High Court of Jammu & Kashmir and Ladakh directed courts dealing with matrimonial disputes to dispose of cases pending for more than one year during the 2023-24 target year, and also directed Family Courts to dispose of 150 oldest cases and 50 oldest execution petitions during that period (High Court of J&K and Ladakh circular).
The High Court later directed Family Courts, Commercial Courts and Juvenile Justice Boards to identify their 100 oldest cases and work towards resolution by the end of June 2025, while district courts handling matrimonial cases were asked to focus on the 50 oldest matrimonial cases (High Court of J&K and Ladakh circular).
The High Court also included matrimonial disputes and domestic violence cases among matters suitable for a special mediation drive, which shows that family conflict requires settlement, maturity and responsible intervention, not endless ego fights (High Court of J&K and Ladakh mediation notice).
These official records show that family disputes are a serious social burden. But behind every case, there may be a child whose education, confidence and emotional health are silently suffering.
Parenting Is Not Ownership
A child does not belong to the ego of father or mother. A child needs both love and stability. The lawful role of both parents must be respected, but the welfare of the child must remain above adult control.
If the father has contributed, respect that. If the mother has contributed, respect that. If one parent has carried the responsibility for years, acknowledge that. If the other parent wants to become responsible now, welcome it, but responsibility must be consistent and honest.
Parenting should never become a competition of control. It should be cooperation for the child.
Why Manipulation Damages the Child’s Mind
When a child sees manipulation, the child becomes confused. He may not understand law, custody, school records, or family politics, but he feels tension. He feels silence. He feels fear. He understands that something is wrong.
This affects studies, behaviour, sleep, confidence and emotional attachment. Some children become angry. Some become silent. Some become careless. Some start blaming themselves.
The real damage is not always visible immediately. It appears later in personality, trust, relationships and decision-making.
What Parents Must Remember
Parents must remember that the child’s future is bigger than their dispute. The child’s education is bigger than their ego. The child’s mental peace is bigger than their public image.
If there is conflict, keep it away from the child. If there is disagreement, put it in writing calmly.
If school is involved, focus only on education and welfare. If assessment is needed, make it fair and transparent. If support is needed, provide it without blame.
The child should not lose school, confidence, or dignity because adults failed to communicate.
What Schools and Society Must Do
Schools must remain child-focused. They should not become platforms for one parent’s pressure against the other. They should keep written records, hear both parents where required, and ensure that education continues.
Society must also change. Relatives and community members should not encourage ego battles. They should ask only one question: what is best for the child?
If the answer does not protect the child’s education, emotional safety and future, then it is not the right answer.
Conclusion
Kashmir’s future depends on how we groom our children today. A child raised in truth, discipline, respect and emotional safety becomes a strength for society. A child raised in conflict, manipulation and fear may carry that pain into adulthood.
Parents may win arguments, but the child may lose confidence. Parents may protect their image, but the child may lose education. Parents may use systems and loopholes, but the child may lose peace.
This is the real cost of using a child as a shield.
Kashmir needs parents who do not only claim responsibility, but live responsibility. Kashmir needs homes where children are protected from adult ego. Kashmir needs schools and society to keep the child’s welfare above all.
The message is simple: do not use the child to control anyone. Use your role to build him. Because today’s grooming is tomorrow’s output, and today’s child is tomorrow’s Kashmir.
(The author is a personal finance columnist and financial educator. He focuses on bringing simple, disciplined investing and market awareness to investors in Kashmir and beyond. He can be reached at irshad@bp.sharekhan.com)